


The Only Reward Bestowed Upon Me

by greatdumbking



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Era, Emotionally Constipated Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Episode: s04e05 His Father's Son, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:33:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26135038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greatdumbking/pseuds/greatdumbking
Summary: “You’re wrong Merlin. I don’t need anyone. I can’t afford that luxury. The kingdom's my responsibility now, and mine to bear alone. And you must learn to accept that.”How could this hurt so much, a third time? Merlin could feel the façade of his casual indifference faltering. His face fell, tears were clawing at his throat, creeping into his eyes. It took all his effort to nod, steel his eyes, and swallow down the rising sob.(How did Merlin get chosen the be the bait? Why did Arthur start pushing Merlin away? Why couldn't he see how much it was hurting him?)
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 422





	The Only Reward Bestowed Upon Me

**Author's Note:**

> This episode is so chock full of stuff... somehow managed to get 4000 words from like the first 10 minutes lmao  
> Title from Served Faithfully by Ani Difranco, the perfect merthur song... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZboZg7e9Ks

“I will do it.”

Arthur turned away from the fire where his knights sat, strategizing, to see Merlin, preparing dinner a short distance away.

“Merlin, you’re not a knight.”

“I’m serious. I’m not afraid. I want to help.”

“Merlin, are you deaf? You’re not a knight.” Arthur was becoming exasperated. The idea was preposterous. 

Gwaine chimed in “The bandits wouldn’t know that. And Merlin is a fast little bugger.”

Agravaine had a growing grin on his face “It would be beneficial to have all knights placed strategically; all the boy would have to do is run.”

Arthur saw Merlin shoot a glare at his uncle at that. He was aware of the puzzling hostility between them, but Arthur was sure Agravaine meant no harm by referring to Merlin as a “boy”. Perhaps he would speak to his uncle later about this tendency though, seeing how clearly it bothered Merlin. But it was a fine line to tread, Agravaine and some of the older knights he had encouraged Arthur to reinstate had certain ways of doing things, certain codes of behaviour to be upheld.

“Arthur-” Merlin began again. But Arthur got up and tugged Merlin by the arm into the surrounding woods away from the others.

“You can’t address me like that and be so openly… insubordinate in front of my men. I am a new king, they need to see…”

Merlin stared at him defiantly, clearly hurt.

“Look, I just don’t want you to get hurt. This is a dangerous job. What would you do if you were caught? You can't fight!”

“I am not so weak as you think I am, Arthur. I can fend for myself. I’m not a coward. And like Gwaine said, I’m fast.”

Arthur was startled at the determination in his friend’s eyes, but shook his head.

“No. I won’t let you get hurt.”

“You don’t need to protect me!”

“I do Merlin. You’re my responsibility. And you have nothing to prove, I already know you’re loyal and brave to a frankly _idiotic_ degree. I will not put you in harm’s way just so you can prove that to me again for whatever stupid reason!”

“I’m not- I’m not trying to _prove_ anything. I just feel…Please just- Just let me do something important. For once.”

 _You already are the most important one here you idiot!_ Arthur wanted to retort. But he couldn’t.

So Arthur gave in.

***

It was Gwaine who brought up the fact that Merlin would need to dress in the proper garb to be targeted, clearly giddy at the prospect of seeing how he would look. Merlin had to admit he was excited as well to wear Arthur’s colours, to mark himself for the first time to all as Arthur’s man for all to see. If he was being honest with himself, he also remembered vividly, all these years later the weight of the moment as Arthur had dressed him for battle in Ealdor. It wasn’t the same now, but maybe…

And sure enough Arthur came over from the camp to the clearing they had claimed and interrupted Gwaine who had been chattering away about how _handsome_ Merlin would look while preparing the armour he had stripped from one of the older, more incapacitated knights who Agravaine had insisted they bring along.

“Gwaine! Don’t you think it seems only fitting that I be the one to dress my manservant for once?”

Arthur was staring at Merlin as he said this, and Merlin found he couldn’t look away either. He was in mild shock, he hadn’t thought… He could feel a slight flush coming up his neck and looked down embarrassed as his own thoughts.

He could feel Gwaine looking between both of them, bemused, before slapping Arthur on the back and saying “Make sure to do a good job, _boy_ ” before leaving them alone in the clearing.

Merlin knew he had to say something to relieve the tension, although he was entirely sure it was all in his own head. Something like _“sure you actually know how to do this_ ” or _“how the tables have turned”,_ but Gwaine’s reminder of how Agravaine had addressed him earlier made him unable to stop himself from asking…

“Won’t your men think its…unkingly? To dress your servant?” He still was unable to meet Arthur's eyes, although his voice was bitter.

Arthur sighed. “You are not my servant today Merlin, you are a knight.”

“You know what I mean.” He glanced back at the camp to see if anyone was watching them.

“Look, I’m sorry about what I said earlier, I was just… And I’m sorry about how Agravaine treats you too.” Merlin looked up at Arthur, surprised that he had even picked up on his uncle's behaviour.

“I guess I just figured, well, that if you're about to get yourself killed that I might as well be the one to send you off, as I’m the one who put you in this situation to begin with.”

Merlin’s heart felt like it was about to burst. Arthur practically never spoke like this, not even when they were alone. And now this… It felt like a true apology.

So he egged Arthur on with a grin. “Best get on with it then. If you do it wrong and I die, it’ll be your fault. So don’t mess up.”

Arthur laughed incredulously “If you die Merlin, it’ll be because you trip like a big girl.”

And so they got on with it, the tension lightened. And if Arthur’s hands lingered the way Merlin’s did, neither mentioned it.

When it was all done save for the cape, Arthur paused with it in his hands. Merlin could feel Arthur hesitate, before resolve settled into his eyes and he stepped forward to drape it around Merlin’s neck, their breathe intertwining as he fastened the clasp. Merlin tried to keep his breath steady, but he was sure Arthur could hear his heart beating frantically, desperate for this moment to mean something.

Arthur finally stepped back, and let his eyes sweep over his servant, a servant no more. And Merlin could see his breath hitch for a moment. And dared not dwell on what that meant.

“Do I look the part?” Merlin asked weakly.

“You know what Merlin?” Arthur eyes meeting Merlin’s with a shy smile. “You do.”

***

Waiting above the hollow they had chosen felt like it dragged on for hours. Arthur crouched, hidden with his men, grasping weapons. But none of the nerves he felt had to do with the battle they would face, they all came from watching the forest for the flash of red. Every second that passed without it, Arthur became more and more furious, to the point of near hysteria, that he had allowed this plan to go forward. _What was I thinking?_

But finally, a flurry of activity emerged over the hill and Arthur lost his ability to breathe, until he realized Merlin had a strong lead.

 _He really_ is _fast, thank the gods._

And so they waited, and waited, watching Merlin tear a straight line towards them, ripping through the forest with a vigour Arthur had never thought possible from his soft spoken friend. He saw an axe thrown, and Merlin fall, and thought he would reveal himself there and then, but Merlin rose and continued, axe in hand, and Arthur stayed put, heart racing.

Until finally Merlin was below them, his eyes frantically searching for Arthur’s above, clearly in the throes of adrenaline, seeking surety. Their eyes met briefly, and Arthur tried his hardest to convey all that he was feeling; relief, pride, and reassurance. But then Merlin had to whip around, he was finally caught.

“Trapped, are we?”

Arthur couldn’t wait any longer, gave the signal for arrows to fly, and ran out to the open to see Merlin looking up at him with wide eyes.

“That’s the idea.” He heard his friend say, and a feeling of insurmountable pride followed by a fierce need to _protect_ washed over him, and he flung himself off the ridge.

But he knew that image would not leave him. Seeing Merlin so confident, in Camelot’s colours for the world to see, yielding a weapon. It was nothing compared to what he had felt earlier as he placed the cape on his friend’s shoulders. Here he showed none of the fear he so loved to associate with the man, and it stirred something so deep in Arthur. This was not someone new, this was not someone in a costume. This was who Merlin _was._

_***_

Later, when the battle was done, and the knights were settling down for the night, wounds cleaned and eager for sleep, Arthur’s eyes roamed for his servant for what seemed like the millionth time. He had lost track of him since the battle had ceased and they returned to camp, and assumed he’d been tending to the wounded. He kept having to remind himself that Merlin _was_ also a physician. Just as his eyes wandered once again, he spotted the familiar brown tattered coat making its way towards him. Arthur realized in a flash of disappointment that he had been expecting to see the red of the cape.

Before he could stop himself he blurted out “ _Why_?”

“Why _what_?” Merlin looked confusedly at him.

Arthur suddenly felt a bit ashamed for asking, but continued “Why did you change out of the armour?”

Merlin gestured to his ratty clothes and laughed “How else would they know who to boss around?”

The contrast between the shining armour and his normal clothes suddenly struck Arthur. _He does look like the lowliest of servants… Perhaps it is time to remedy that. He is manservant to the king now._ He remembered the clothes his own father’s manservant wore had been respectable, even ornate.

He returned to himself and processed Merlin’s last sentence “Wait, what have you been doing? I thought you were treating the wounded?”

“Yeah, if they were wounded by hunger, I guess you could say that.”

Arthur bristled at that. “You know, you are _my_ servant. You don’t have to do what they tell you.”

Merlin huffed a laugh and began to ready food for Arthur this time.

Perhaps it really _was_ time to raise Merlin’s station in the eyes of others. “I’m serious Merlin. Maybe-”

“Arthur?” Agravaine interrupts, and sat down near the fire, intruding on their space.

“What is it uncle?”

“We need to discuss Carleon…”

***

And so Merlin began moving about the fire, falling back into the role of servant as the two men talked of strategy. He became more and more agitated as Agravaine planted the seeds in Arthur's mind, encouraging him to believe he was weak, to commit murder, to stray from his beliefs.

As Merlin listened, this thought became more and more concrete within his head:

_It used to be my job to make him king, and so I protected him. But now he is king, and it is my job to guide him to listen to himself. To protect him in a different sense._

And so he spoke up after Agravaine left, voice full of conviction, loyalty, and anger:

“Arthur-”

“Not now, Merlin.”

And he was crushed.

***

When Merlin woke, his eyes went to the bedroll next to his as they always did, where Arthur slept. But it was empty.

He looked around, alarmed, but found Arthur sitting by the fire a little ways away. Merlin stared at his profile for a minute, heart heavy with a fitful night of depressive thoughts about his own worth, and his incomprehensible devotion to someone who shared his ideas about it.

But he steeled himself and stood. If he couldn’t be an advisor, or a knight, at least he could still be a servant. So he filled a cup, and went to serve his king. 

“Arthur?” He did not look up. “Arthur.”

The king then registered his presence, and with a surprisingly vulnerable voice said a surprising thing: “Thank you.”

Merlin turned to the fire, to continue the servant's dance. “You must be cold.” When that didn’t elicit a response, he pushed on, confused. “Have you not slept at all?”

“Been thinking.”

“About what Agravaine said?”

Arthur simply nodded. At least Arthur seemed willing to talk to him about it, albeit stuntedly. But that was good enough for Merlin to try again.

“So what are you going to do?”

And Merlin listened, getting more and more angry, as he saw what Agravaine had convinced Arthur he was, and told himself that he must try again to make Arthur see. He would not give up on his destiny for fear of rejection, and hurt.

So he set his jaw. “Carleon won’t sign it.” Arthur turned to him. “You know that?”

“Carleon brought this upon himself.” He could feel Arthur’s walls go up, but Merlin needed to keep going. There was still hope, from the way Arthur had looked at him yesterday, that he might listen.

“Arthur. You’ve always shown mercy in battle, you’ve never sought to humiliate your enemy in this way.” He could see Arthur falter, and pressed on. “This isn’t like you. This isn’t who you _are_ -”

“You have no idea what it is to make these decisions, _decisions_ that will shape the future of this land.” The hardness in Arthur’s eyes scared him. The rejection he feared was coming down.

Arth-

“So _please,_ stick to what you do know.”

The rejection, it was somehow worse this time. He ashamedly felt the tears begin to well in his eyes. _No man is worth your tears_. And yet here he was.

_How foolish I am, to love someone who is amused by me. How foolish I am, to stake my life’s purpose on changing someone who has never truly seen me._

_***_

Arthur ordered the swordsman to step forward, and deal the blow. He glanced up, seeking the surety he gave to Merlin the day before, and only saw the man standing subservient, eyes to the ground, sadly shaking his head. _Were those tears in his eyes?_

_***_

The ride home was silent, sullen. Merlin didn’t dare speak to Arthur. Arthur was too ashamed to ask what Merlin had to say.

***

Merlin thought he was done giving himself hope that Arthur might listen after the last disastrous time. But the ride home… Arthur had been so quiet, sad. Maybe he was reconsidering his actions. Maybe he felt remorse. _One last chance,_ Merlin thought. _I will try once more, to make him see_. If he was being honest with himself, he was also angry.

So he pried. “Can’t have been easy, having a man killed like that.”

“I had no choice. A show of strength was necessary.”

“Don’t you think compassion can also show strength?” He had to keep pushing.

“Not for the likes of Carleon, no…. No an example had to be made. For the good of the kingdom.” Merlin thought he heard slight hesitation in his voice. So he kept pushing, self-destructive tendencies taking over again.

“So you don’t regret what you did?”

Arthur took a long sad look at Merlin. _He pities me,_ Merlin realized.

“My conscience is clean Merlin, which is more than I can say for my room, so just... do your job will you?”

 _I pity me too._ Merlin walked right up to him to make one final plea. Put it all out in the open. Maybe Arthur hadn’t realized what he was doing. What Merlin was offering him. If not an advisor, then just a friend, someone to listen. Somehow to regain their bond. The most precious thing in his life, it was disappearing slowly but surely, and he had to fight to keep it. _This isn’t even about destiny anymore,_ he realized sadly.

He looked Arthur in the eye and tried so hard to sound casual although he could feel the desperation was clawing at him. “Look, I’m just saying if there’s something bothering you, you _can_ talk to me. You shouldn’t push your friends _away_ , you know? Not now, not when you need them most.”

“You’re wrong Merlin. I don’t need anyone. I can’t afford that luxury. The kingdom's my responsibility now, and mine to bear alone.” He took a deep breath and Merlin felt the weight of rejection fall upon him again. “And _you_ must learn to accept that.”

 _How could this hurt so much, a third time?_ Merlin could feel the façade of his casual indifference faltering. His face fell, tears were clawing at his throat, creeping into his eyes. It took all his effort to nod, steel his eyes, and swallow down a sob rising in his throat.

He stood there stock still, eyes unfocused, as Arthur walked away. The thoughts swirled in his head. This time hurt more because it was so direct. _I am not Arthur’s friend. I am not welcome to voice my opinions. I am no longer Arthur’s confidant._ He had spelled it out, slowly and clearly, all the while with steady locked eyes, and voice full of _pity_.

Suddenly a fury of motion, he turned on his heel and determinedly made it to the door which he ripped open but then thought better of slamming. He admitted defeat and closed it quietly.

The walk back to Gaius’ chambers was a battle. A battle of anger and sadness. A battle of keeping it all under wraps until he could safely explode. A battle of self-hatred and pity.

When he arrived, he found there needed to be no winner. He let the tears fall and exploded in fury, all at the same time.

***

Gaius dropped everything and listened, for once, guiding his ward to the bench to rub his back and wipe his tears. Never, in the better part of a decade that he had acted as father to this boy had he seen him so undone. But as Merlin started talking, it all started to make sense.

Throughout it all, hardships, heartbreak, it had still been _Merlin and Arthur._ A team against the rest of the world. Even if it was only in appearances, even if Merlin had never been able to show the other man his true self, they still shared a bond, inexplicably strong. And Gaius had begun to understand in the past few years that this bond ran more strongly though Merlin than he suspected others realized. It occupied his whole heart. This rejection he experienced now was tantamount to losing a lover, a soulmate.

Merlin hadn’t said this, but he didn’t need to.

***

Arthur heard the footsteps echo across the room and heard the door close quietly. He could feel the anger and dejection in the actions like they suffocated the air around him. He looked out from behind the changing screen to see what he knew would be there. An empty room.

Immediately it all felt wrong. The reality of what he had said crashed down on him. How could he sever this _thing_ they had? And for what? To appease Agravaine? Not two days ago he stood equal with his servant in full view of the Old Guard, dressing him with a reverence, almost daring them to say something. But now, now he had killed a man to win their favour, and that could not be for nothing. He was all in now. He was one of them.

If he was being really honest with himself, which he rarely was, it was also to make it easier on him to forget what he secretly yearned for. Now that he was king, and could never pursue… Not least with Agravaine as an advisor.

He supposed he thought Merlin would keep pestering him, no matter what. He was a constant presence. Nothing Arthur said, no matter how much abuse he flung at his servant, would change that. But it was clear he had been wrong, and this wasn’t just another one of their arguments. This had been quieter, but it was _colossal_ , that much was clear by Merlin’s face.

The look on Merlin face as he listened to Arthur was not defiant, it was defeated. It was clear that this had ended things for Merlin. He had stopped fighting for them, just because Arthur had asked him to.

 _It isn’t like Merlin to stop fighting for something._ _It isn’t like Merlin to do something just because I asked him to._

But as he crumpled into his chair, eyes still on the door, he realized how wrong he was. Merlin would walk into death- had done so- just because Arthur asked him to.

He felt numb, and suddenly wished Merlin had slammed the door, that would have meant there was still some fight left in him.

And then he realized that there was the distinct possibility that he would never walk back through that door. Merlin did not need this job. He was a physician, as Arthur so conveniently liked to forget. Merlin stuck around because he loved Arthur, though he had never said it. Arthur thought for a while that he had been projecting, but the _looks_. How deep this love ran, Arthur tried never to think about too much.

But he was thinking about it now.

***

As Arthur got to the physician's chambers he slowed, realizing he had no plan. He leaned against the wall by the door to collect himself, but as his breathing slowed, he heard voices from inside.

“Everything I do is for him. _Everything_. And it’s like he doesn’t even _see_ me.” He heard a sob, and his eyes widened.

Then there was Gaius’ muffled consolations, followed by his friend’s trembling voice “It’s just hard to watch _every_ one of my friends become noble and equals while I still pour their wine. I just thought that after _all this time_ maybe I was an equal. And, I don’t know it just- it _hurts_ when he reminds me that it’s not true.”

Arthur was about to fling the door open upon hearing this, before realizing his actions of the past few days, _not now, stick to what you do know, do your job_ , had run deeper than he realized.

“I’ve given him everything Gaius. My entire life-” But his voice broke off.

“I know my boy. You have suffered more than most men. But one day he _will_ know.”

Arthur couldn't listen to more of this, it felt so wrong. He had to leave or enter.

But there really was only one option. So he took a deep breath gathering the courage of a battle-hardened warrior, but still found it insufficient. But he must, so he slowly opened the door. He has no plan.

“...Hi.”

Both heads shoot up. They are huddled on the work bench, Gaius almost looking like he is protecting Merlin from him. Merlin’s eyes are tear-stained, and the fear on his face is palpable. It is a scene Arthur hopes he will forget.

“Sire. Can I help you?” He could feel the hostility in Gaius’ voice. It stung. Behind him Merlin is trying to regain his composure, sitting up straight and turning away to wipe his eyes, as if Arthur maybe hadn’t noticed, wouldn't put the puzzle pieces together about the timing of this breakdown.

Arthur tore his eyes away from Merlin “I just- I came to talk to him.”

Gaius looked to his ward, clearly asking silently if this would be allowed. He heard a quiet “It’s alright Gaius.”

So the old man rose to his feet giving Merlin one last questioning look. “I’ll leave you two”.

As he passed he gave Arthur the eyebrow. Arthur knew what that meant, and he felt like a little boy again.

The door closed, and he was paralyzed. But Merlin still sat on the bench, and it seemed as good a plan as any to go to him.

“May I?” He probed quietly, to which Merlin gave a short nod and turned to face him.

“I…” Arthur stopped and took in a deep breath, and what he ended up saying in a smaller voice than he liked to admit was “Please don’t quit.”

Merlin’s eyes widened. “I know I said that I didn’t need friends, but if you leave I don’t think I’ll be able to…” Arthur trailed off unable to continue the thought, out of fear or embarrassment, he didn’t know.

“I heard what you said, to Gaius, about not being equal. Merlin I- I never really thought about how you felt…invaluable as a servant. I mean, I thought it was understood that we were servant and master only to have an excuse to… " He couldn't finish that thought either.

"At any point you could have quit to become a physician, or I would have happily granted you land, but I like… I like being…with you every day.” It was the understatement of the century, and he knew his voice was strained with repressed emotion. “But I guess I never thought about the repercussions for you. And I’m sorry for that. Especially when I start to treat you like just another servant.”

Merlin still didn’t say anything. But Arthur couldn’t chance a glance at him, not yet.

“Which you’re not. To be clear.” He added on quickly, a little out of breath. 

After a moment of pregnant silence, the other suddenly spoke softly “Do you remember, when I told you I was happy to be your servant till the day I die?”

Arthur met his eyes now, and was taken aback by the resignation he saw there.

“I meant it. I really did. Even if you hated me, or forgot my name. I would still be there. I wouldn’t quit.”

Arthur was stunned. “You shouldn’t say that, Merlin.” 

“You can’t tell me what to do.” He managed a cheeky grin.

There was another beat of silence.

“But thank you Arthur.”

But Arthur was still stuck on that confession, furious at Merlin for such flagrant self-sacrifice. And over him of all people, he who was ready to discard their friendship for the sake of appearances, for the sake of making it easier on him to resist acting on... “I’m serious Merlin, why would you say that?”

Merlin looked back to the floor. He sort of laughed, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Haven’t figured it out yet, have you? Even after what you just heard out there?”

“Merlin, I-”

“You don’t have to say anything Arthur. Don’t worry. It’s fine.”

The depth in Merlin’s eyes then was simply too much for Arthur to handle at that moment. The floodgates of repressed emotion opened.

But all he managed to say in the midst of it all, almost inaudible, was “You’re not alone in this, you know.”

“Arthur, No. You don’t have to-”

Arthur grasped his hand. “Merlin. Look at me.”

And he did.

“Do you see how terrified I am?”

Realization dawned on Merlin’s face. “You…”

“Yeah.” Arthur huffed out, breathless.

Merlin seemed in shock but lighter than he had seemed in days, almost laughing, before resignation tainted his eyes once more.

“But we can’t.” Merlin also seemed breathless.

Arthur was silent for a moment before resolve hardened his eyes.

“Actually, Merlin, I’m the king.”


End file.
